Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
