and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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