My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize