Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
