Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
