Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
