Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
