plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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