I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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