so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
