I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
