Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
