so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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