I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
