Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
