I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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