I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
