You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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