Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
