When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
