so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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