That's intense
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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