1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
