I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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