party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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