if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
