we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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