I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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