So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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