Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
