At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
