4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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