Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
