Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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