So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
