marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
