Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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