So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
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