Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
