I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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