if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
