being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I need water and some morals
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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