you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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