does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
