Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
