I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
