There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
