I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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