i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
