so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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