i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
