I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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