As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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