dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
