summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
