i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
