Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize
