I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
