Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
