I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
high people should be assigned attendants
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
