explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize