I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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