they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Randomize
