Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
