Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
